Badger_colorado

As I walked to the bus stop today, and realized I hadn’t combed my hair for the 3rd time this week, it got me to thinking about myself. I dug deep and did a thorough examination of my basic essence as I waited for the bus, and I came to the sobering conclusion that I’m not very bright. Yeah, you’d think 8 years of college (not including grad school) would have imparted some sort of intelligence upon me, but of course you’d be wrong. Being a scientist, I decided I had to gather proof for my realization and as I sat on the bus, I pondered.

When were the first signs of me lacking general brightness? Was it the time when I was 13 and I mistook a raccoon for a bear? Perhaps it was the time when I was 15 and I flicked a lit match out the window of a moving car, only to discover several hours later that I had burned down a bit of the forest? Hmmm…perhaps those things could be attributed to youth. But then again, maybe I had already been less than bright, even when I was young. I needed more evidence.

I can’t really attribute the fact that I can’t pay attention to a girlfriend or a person on the phone when a t.v. is on in the same room because most men are guilty of an inability to focus. If Einstein had a t.v., we probably wouldn’t have ever even heard of the theory of relativity or E=MC^2. No, my attention span is not on trial, here.

I think it’s safe to say that the symptoms presented themselves in force when I went away to college. Playing football with a severed mannequin head in our living room of the dorms was certainly a sign of some missing brightness, especially when the extra point was scored by kicking the mannequin head into the blinds. Although, to be fair, there were 8 of us who fit the bill in that case. However, punching windows and light fixtures, doing 21 beer bongs in one night, jumping off 80 foot cliffs into a quarry while drunk, waking up fully clothed in the living room of someone I didn’t know, hitting golf balls at the school and then running into my dorm when security arrived, and any number of other college experiences can all be attributed directly to me being a bit dim.

The problem is that alcohol is no longer involved. Earlier this year I had 5 tubes of toothpaste and 7 deodorant sticks in my bathroom. I’m sure that your first thought is “man, Badger must really smell bad”. But, while that may be true at times, it’s not the reason I had an entire aisle of bathroom products. The reason I acquired level 5 odor-fighting capacity is because, when I went to Target, I forgot what I had at home. So, even though I already had 3 tubes of toothpaste and 5 deodorants, I bought 2 more of each because I forgot I had them. Not bright. When I was in grad school, I forgot to wash my hair once. After a 2 1/2 hour workout including an hour of intense cardio. Not bright. Probably a bit smelly.

I once did a fireworks demonstration for kids (to show how different metals glowed different colors) in the lecture room, and instead of using the small little red-sparks types of fireworks, I ended up using a full blown roman candle. That was actually very bright, but for the wrong reasons. Needless to say, the plexiglass box made for such demonstrations did not contain the smoke. We evacuated. However, I wasn't responsible for buying the fireworks, either, so I think I'm safe on that one. The slackjawed look of shock and surprise when that thing started popping off bombs inside the building may have at least been a bit of a sign of not being bright, though.

There are other good pieces of evidence that I’m not very bright, many of which can be found in my previous blogs and posts, but I feel that there is a very strong case that I am, indeed, lacking in luminosity. Therefore, my general conclusion is that, on a scale of 1 to 10 in brightness, I can't even find my number because I don't know how to turn this stupid flashlight on. Oh, and I forgot to put deodorant on today. See...not very bright. And maybe a little stinky, too.